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By Daniel Meyer - 'Borrowed' from the
CUagain website I never dreamed slowly
cruising through a residential neighborhood could be so
incredibly dangerous!
Studies have shown that motorcycling requires more decisions per
second, and more sheer data processing than nearly any other
common activity or sport. The reactions and accurate decision
making abilities needed have been likened to the reactions of
fighter pilots! The consequences of bad decisions or poor
situational awareness are pretty much the same for both groups
too.
Occasionally, as a rider I have caught myself starting to make
bad or late decisions while riding. In flight training, my
instructors called this being “behind the power curve”. It is a
mark of experience that when this begins to happen, the rider
recognizes the situation, and more importantly, does something
about it. A short break, a meal, or even a gas stop can set
things right again as it gives the brain a chance to catch up.
Good, accurate, and timely decisions are essential when riding a
motorcycle…at least if you want to remain among the living. In
short, the brain needs to keep up with the machine.
I had been banging around the roads of east Texas and as I
headed back into Dallas, found myself in very heavy, high-speed
traffic on the freeways. Normally, this is not a problem, I
commute in these conditions daily, but suddenly I was nearly run
down by a cage that decided it needed my lane more than I did.
This is not normally a big deal either, as it happens around
here often, but usually I can accurately predict which drivers
are not paying attention and avoid them before we are even
close. This one I missed seeing until it was nearly too late,
and as I took evasive action I nearly broadsided another car
that I was not even aware was there!
Two bad decisions and insufficient situational awareness…all
within seconds. I was behind the power curve. Time to get off
the freeway.
I hit the next exit, and as I was in an area I knew pretty well,
headed through a few big residential neighborhoods as a new
route home. As I turned onto the nearly empty streets I opened
the visor on my full-face helmet to help get some air. I figured
some slow riding through the quiet surface streets would give me
time to relax, think, and regain that “edge” so frequently
required when riding.
Little did I suspect…
As I passed an oncoming car, a brown furry missile shot out from
under it and tumbled to a stop immediately in front of me. It
was a squirrel, and must have been trying to run across the road
when it encountered the car. I really was not going very fast,
but there was no time to brake or avoid it—it was that close.
I hate to run over animals…and I really hate it on a motorcycle,
but a squirrel should pose no danger to me. I barely had time to
brace for the impact.
Animal lovers, never fear. Squirrels can take care of
themselves!
Inches before impact, the squirrel flipped to his feet. He was
standing on his hind legs and facing the oncoming Valkyrie with
steadfast resolve in his little beady eyes. His mouth opened,
and at the last possible second, he screamed and leapt! I am
pretty sure the scream was squirrel for, “Banzai!” or maybe,
“Die you gravy-sucking, heathen scum!” as the leap was
spectacular and he flew over the windshield and impacted me
squarely in the chest.
Instantly he set upon me. If I did not know better I would have
sworn he brought twenty of his little buddies along for the
attack. Snarling, hissing, and tearing at my clothes, he was a
frenzy of activity. As I was dressed only in a light t-shirt,
summer riding gloves, and jeans this was a bit of a cause for
concern. This furry little tornado was doing some damage!
Picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed
in jeans, a t-shirt, and leather gloves puttering maybe 25mph
down a quiet residential street…and in the fight of his life
with a squirrel. And losing.
I grabbed for him with my left hand and managed to snag his
tail. With all my strength I flung the evil rodent off the left
of the bike, almost running into the right curb as I recoiled
from the throw.
That should have done it. The matter should have ended right
there. It really should have. The squirrel could have sailed
into one of the pristinely kept yards and gone on about his
business, and I could have headed home. No one would have been
the wiser.
But this was no ordinary squirrel. This was not even an ordinary
pissed-off squirrel.
This was an evil attack squirrel of death!
Somehow he caught my gloved finger with one of his little hands,
and with the force of the throw swung around and with a
resounding thump and an amazing impact he landed square on my
back and resumed his rather anti-social and extremely
distracting activities. He also managed to take my left glove
with him!
The situation was not improved. Not improved at all. His attacks
were continuing, and now I could not reach him.
I was startled to say the least. The combination of the force of
the throw, only having one hand (the throttle hand) on the
handlebars, and my jerking back unfortunately put a healthy
twist through my right hand and into the throttle. A healthy
twist on the throttle of a Valkyrie can only have one result.
Torque. This is what the Valkyrie is made for, and she is very,
very good at it.
The engine roared as the front wheel left the pavement. The
squirrel screamed in anger. The Valkyrie screamed in ecstasy. I
screamed in…well…I just plain screamed.
Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser,
dressed in jeans, a slightly squirrel torn t-shirt, and only one
leather glove roaring at maybe 70mph and rapidly accelerating
down a quiet residential street…on one wheel and with a demonic
squirrel on his back. The man and the squirrel are both
screaming bloody murder.
With the sudden acceleration I was forced to put my other hand
back on the handlebars and try to get control of the bike. This
was leaving the mutant squirrel to his own devices, but I really
did not want to crash into somebody’s tree, house, or parked
car. Also, I had not yet figured out how to release the
throttle…my brain was just simply overloaded. I did manage to
mash the back brake, but it had little affect against the
massive power of the big cruiser.
About this time the squirrel decided that I was not paying
sufficient attention to this very serious battle (maybe he is a
Scottish attack squirrel of death), and he came around my neck
and got IN my full-face helmet with me. As the faceplate closed
partway and he began hissing in my face I am quite sure my
screaming changed tone and intensity. It seemed to have little
affect on the squirrel however.
The rpm’s on The Dragon maxed out (I was not concerned about
shifting at the moment) and her front end started to drop.
Now picture the large man on the huge black and chrome cruiser,
dressed in jeans, a very ragged torn t-shirt, and wearing one
leather glove, roaring at probably 80mph, still on one wheel,
with a large puffy squirrel’s tail sticking out his mostly
closed full-face helmet. By now the screams are probably getting
a little hoarse.
Finally I got the upper hand…I managed to grab his tail again,
pulled him out of my helmet, and slung him to the left as hard
as I could. This time it worked…sort-of. Spectacularly sort-of,
so to speak.
Picture the scene. You are a cop. You and your partner have
pulled off on a quiet residential street and parked with your
windows down to do some paperwork.
Suddenly a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed
in jeans, a torn t-shirt flapping in the breeze, and wearing one
leather glove, moving at probably 80mph on one wheel, and
screaming bloody murder roars by and with all his strength
throws a live squirrel grenade directly into your police car.
I heard screams. They weren't mine...
I managed to get the big motorcycle under directional control
and dropped the front wheel to the ground. I then used maximum
braking and skidded to a stop in a cloud of tire smoke at the
stop sign at a busy cross street.
I would have returned to fess up (and to get my glove back). I
really would have. Really. But for two things. First, the cops
did not seem interested or the slightest bit concerned about me
at the moment. One of them was on his back in the front yard of
the house they had been parked in front of and was rapidly
crabbing backwards away from the patrol car. The other was
standing in the street and was training a riot shotgun on the
police cruiser.
So the cops were not interested in me. They often insist to “let
the professionals handle it” anyway. That was one thing. The
other? Well, I swear I could see the squirrel, standing in the
back window of the patrol car among shredded and flying pieces
of foam and upholstery, and shaking his little fist at me. I
think he was shooting me the finger…
That is one dangerous squirrel. And now he has a patrol car…
I took a deep breath, turned on my turn-signal, made an easy
right turn, and sedately left the neighborhood.
As for my easy and slow drive home? Screw it. Faced with a
choice of 80mph cars and inattentive drivers, or the evil,
demonic, attack squirrel of death...I’ll take my chances with
the freeway. Every time.
And I’ll buy myself a new pair of gloves.
CUAgain,
Daniel Meyer
A brief post-note...with over 80,000 hits you
may well imagine that I have gotten a bit of email on this story. I
really do appreciate the comments! Keep 'em coming.
Many have asked if this story actually happened. With over half a
million riding miles under my belt I have seen a lot of interesting
things, but, as with all my stories, you will just have to decide
for yourself...my comments are not going to sway you one way or
another. I do have to address one comment though...many have written
me to tell me a Valkyrie cannot do a wheelie.
They would be wrong...
The Valkyrie is a heavy cruiser, but with around 100 free horsepower
at the rear wheel, any competent rider can wheelie this bike in the
right conditions. Of course the kicker is that most competent riders
will choose NOT to.
Don't believe me? That's your prerogative of course, but if you
would like to learn more about this amazingly fast and powerful
cruiser pop on over and visit my friends at http://www.valkyrieriders.com
If you just want to cut to the chase...there is a video of a
Valkyrie wheelie (not mine) right here: http://www.valkyrieriders.com/images/MyDad.mpeg
As always, ride safe...and watch out for the squirrels!
I'll see you on the road!
-dm
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